I trust you. And trusting is so hard for me to do. Me? Trusting anyone or anything? Me, the one who’s been so dangerously betrayed by those who were supposed to be trustworthy. The little girl in me always remembers that and she begs me to protect myself and trust no one. I have had to fight fear and try so hard to receive your good and know that you are safe and it’s been a fight. A struggle. But I do trust you. Or I, at least, am trying to because I know that it is important for our marriage and my growth, (and your growth, for that matter) and I try to live believing that you are trustworthy.
The first glimpse of just how trustworthy you are came after a series of Impact retreats and conferences. I remember telling you that I appreciated how your character remained the same; when everyone was watching, and when it seemed that no one was watching (because I was watching . . .more than I care to admit :0) I knew then that I could trust you to be yourself. And that this cool guy with a heart for the Lord and great character, was truly that . . . and more.
That palpable sense of trust covered me still when, through our dating relationship, you showed me yourself, your family, your God, your heart, your love. Emmanuel, you surrounded me, every time you got the chance, physically and emotionally.
And here we are, almost seven years into our marriage, but ten years of walking together, striving to know the other, striving to truly love one another and make each other happy and I know it, strong and sure: you are trustworthy. I’m thinking about how you let me lay all of my fear, shame, sin and ugliness before you and instead of judging me, you loved me and became angry for me, seeking a way to protect me from further hurt and harm.
So when I act like I don’t trust you, please continue to be patient with me and continue to love me through it. This trust thing is a huge plunge for me. At times it glides and at times skids, rough and rocky. The opportunity to trust you is hardly about you, but more about all that that moment represents. You think, “Pam, you know me. You can trust me.” I think, “You’re asking me to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro and I don’t even exercise on a regular basis.” Huni, I do know you. You are the sweetest person I know. I know you want good for me and you mean good for me and I want to allow those truths to blanket me and make me feel safe. Because that’s trust’s right hand man–safety. I’m the one in this situation who needs to work harder for the trust to flow better.
As I grow to show you how much I love you and trust you, I try to remind myself that it’s safe because your love for me is another way that God shows me that He loves me. And I want to give you the same grace. I want to lavish you in the freedom of knowing that I trust you to make good decisions for the health and benefit of the girls and me. I want my love and trust for you to make you feel strong, confident and capable in the world, daily, because I know that God desires to use me to show you just how much He loves you and what He thinks of you. What a privilege and a high calling to trust you and to represent Christ in loving you. He loves you best, but He must think a great deal of me to give me the charge of loving a man like you. I know that as I lean into Him and rely on Him, loving you and trusting you in a way that He desires will accomplish all that I hope for you, and greater, all that He has in store for you.
I love you E.T.
If you haven’t joined me yet, please consider writing your spouse a marriage letter. This experience has been rich for me, to ponder these things, to share my ponderings with my husband and plant seeds on behalf of my marriage. I’ve also enjoyed reading the letters of others and being encouraged at the glimpse of the way other marriages work. Visit: http://therunamuck.com/2012/04/15/marriage-letters-i-trust-you-because/ to see what I mean.