Note: I know that not all of my readers are moms, but I need to take this mom moment anyway.
Today was a day, okay?!?! Busy, like most days, but as I was texting with one of my sister-Frans earlier tonight, I described myself as an introvert living in an extroverted situation, daily.
I am a stay at home mom.
I prayed for this. Which in itself is an irony because I was the girl who never wanted children. I mean, never. I thought that this would cause problems in my marriage because Huni wanted children the minute we said “I do” but I said, “Boy, NO!” So he waited, patiently, as God worked on my heart and then gave it desires for beautiful babies. Then God filled those desires twice over. And when we discovered that we were preggers with the first, then got her in our arms, I knew immediately that I wanted to be like the Levite woman and hide her away (Exodus 1:2). So, I prayed that the Lord would bless us financially so that I could stay home and care for my new baby girl. I worked part time and kept praying. Months passed and my belly became swollen once more with yet another sweet surprise and my prayers became more urgent and intense as I felt that my best was compromised because I gave a percentage of it away everyday when I went off to educate other people’s children. And He did it. He gave Huni a job through which He chooses to bless us with income that allows me to spend my days with my baby girls.
Each week, I face hard days. But each day, I enjoy sweet moments. Every few hours, I have to repent. But every second, if I pause to receive it, grace abounds. I see myself and the lack of patience, gentleness and understanding with which I parent. I mourn over not being able to get it right. I crave alone time and give way to self entitlement so that at the end of the day when the girls are sleeping, I can selfishly say, this is finally MY time, please just let me have MY time (but sometimes I don’t say it that nicely). Instead of reflecting on the joy and love I felt as the Levite woman, I become the garden woman, tempted by the crafty serpent to slap God’s hand away by looking to what I cannot have, ungrateful for all that presently I have (Genesis 3). And so, combined with legitimate fatigue of the mind and body, my emotions weigh and sway to the ebb and flow of condemnation, to gratefulness, to discouragement about the outcome of today, to hope for a better outcome tomorrow. But, God’s grace abounds.
Tonight I had a good talk with another of my sweeeeet sister-Frans. We laughed. I felt a little lighter after a hectic day and found, through my twitter feed, this little video here: A New Perspective For Moms from Elevation Church on Vimeo. It felt like God’s gracious reminder to me that satan loves to use our weaknesses to distract us and cause us to take our eyes off of the One who can make us strong. Oh, that I would train myself to fix my eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2).
To all moms (and all of you who hope to be moms, or know a mom, or have ever had a mom . . .): Everyday is Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day to you. My goal is to see myself more through God’s eyes, not my expectations and failings. Will you join me? As a wife, mom, daughter, granddaughter, sister, Fran, cousin . . . I won’t get it right every time. But there is grace and God is good. And in His grace and goodness, He will deal with me, and perfect me, and cover me so that He can receive the glory from every part of me. Love you ladies!! Through Christ, WE GOT THIS!!! (Philippians 4:13)
2 thoughts on “Deep Breaths”
good read 🙂
Oh buddy…. I needed this! 🙂