Recently I started to feel strong negative feelings about someone who I dearly love and is very close to me. I didn’t understand where the feelings were coming from or altogether what was going on because there had been no distinct event occur to trigger such a staunch and growing disdain. I went from being excited to share company with this person every time I got the chance, to dreading our next encounter days before it would even come to pass.
So, I started to explore what was going on with me. I talked to Huni about it and told him how I was feeling. He, being just as baffled as I was by the sudden onslaught of negativity, was very concerned and discouraged. He worried about me and what was going on in my often troubled mind that would make me feel the way I was feeling. So he listened. And he prayed.
Weeks passed, months, but with each moment, I confessed the way that I was feeling. I talked about it with Huni when it would come up in me, and I fully felt all that was going on in my mind, giving it flesh with my words. I had something of a trinity moment as I spun myself out into three; my thoughts, myself and me, and we sent this mysterious presence out to live among people, representing us and allowed it to become the force by which we interpreted the world. From one simple thought, I created a living, breathing, form that I took with me everywhere I went and I greeted it, cared for it, confirmed and addressed it every time I noticed it. The more I talked about it, the bigger it grew. The more I nurtured it with, “I just don’t like her.” “But did you hear the way that was said?” “What do you think was meant by that?” “I can tell that she can feel it too.” “She made me feel so terrible when . . .” “She doesn’t like me just as much as I don’t like her” and soon that baby thought was fully grown, with a mind of its own, no longer controlled by my thoughts and actions but controlling my thoughts and actions by its mere existence. I had talked myself into a mess. I left no room to reverse the way I felt or consider another viewpoint because of all of that talking and processing.
Ever been there?
I’m in no way suggesting that we shouldn’t decompress, explore, vent!!! Lord knows, we need to vent. We need to purge and get the gook out of us, so that it doesn’t fester and blister sore hurting us and others around us. But be careful how you do it and your motivation behind it. What would have been better for me to do with all that I was feeling, is to speak it, vent it, YES!! and then cover it with prayer and scripture. These two elements together have a way of exposing what’s truth and what’s lies. And I can truly say, with my 20/20 hindsight vision, that what was I was feeling was a LIE!!! (thank you, Rey. you were right. it was a LIE!!!!–and no, for all of you inquiring minds, she isn’t the one I’m referring to in this post!)
Satan is so crafty and he uses us against ourselves more than we realize. Of course, we give him lots of material to work with, which is all the more reason for us to abandon our way of coping and existing and have our minds and hearts renewed and refreshed daily by the Father.
Woooooo! It’s crazy out here Frans. But take heart!
Loves me some William Matthews (thanks Huni.) And this song flows well with what Beth is talking about in her series about Loving Kindness (because it takes a whole lotta heart and strength to be kind in a mean world) and what I’m speaking about here in this post which is a bit of a transparent view of some of my mental struggles. There is much more to come, but in the meantime, take a listen to my Fran (not really, but in my mind we’re Frans) William Matthews.
“In death by love. . .He wears the scars of our freedom . . .In His name all our fears are swept away, He never fails, So take heart . . .All our failure and all our fear, God our love . . .He has overcome!!!!
If any of you have ever struggled with your mind, I’m praying you’ll experience Him through worship with this song.
photo found on google, linked to naturalremedyfordepression.org